Dec 8 - 6:00 pm: It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic, felt like newlyweds again.
Dec 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel it again. What a perfect life!
Dec 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that is possible. Bob is such a nice man; I'm glad he's our neighbor.
Dec 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried every- thing again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
Dec 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all!
Dec 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
Dec 17: Still way below freezing, roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate here. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room!
Dec 20: Electricity is back on, but had another 14" of the damned stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
Dec 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it is so cold it probably won't melt until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I undressed, pissed, and got dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
Dec 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
Dec 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke my shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 mph and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
Dec 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the shit tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate snow. The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "Its a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
Dec 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here! It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
Dec 27: Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze.
Dec 28: Warmed up to above -30. Still snowed in. The bitch is driving me crazy!
Dec 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard of. How dumb does he think I am?
Dec 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
Dec 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. Let's see that white shit stick now! No more shoveling.
Jan 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Have a great week, everybody!